I just finished watching Bill Joel: And So it Goes. It’s a two part, four hour, documentary on HBO Max about his life and music. There may be a few tiny spoilers in here but this essay can not touch the magnitude of the story even if I wanted to. There are stories folded up inside of stories, all origamied into songs.

Throughout the documentary, my goosebumps were continuous. I cried a few times as well. I don’t often use the expression “mind blown” but when they crammed his life and work into those four hours, you can’t help but feel you are with him, commanding the stadium one moment and pulling yourself up and over the swells the next. There is so much I did not know.

I have a theory that when we operate inspired, “in Spirit,” we are tapping into divine purpose and will reach many by speaking in a collective way. This is how we are all conduits of our Source. Spirit imbues us with a voice that we need to share, and that voice, will resound loudly. Billy Joel, perhaps without knowing, was in tune with his soul in this way. He is one of those people to whom God gave a lot, perhaps too much: inspiration, drive, voice, experience, loves, heartache, talent… it had to come out and we all benefitted.

Billy never stopped creating in a way that spoke from his heart. Even though he struggled with abandonment, his love life, and alcohol, he remained true to himself. He trusted his creativity above all, being true to his vision even when others (or himself!) doubted. At one point in the show he talks about how the gospel rooted “River of Dreams” came to him in a dream. He resisted it because it seemed too far of a genre reach. But it would not let him go so he listened to the insistence. He made the song, a huge hit, and millions of people sing with him.

I discovered a new song called December Theme that was written for Cold Spring Harbor, my favorite album, his first, and recorded the year I was born. December Theme is one of many of his songs that could have been written about a specific theme in my life.

I am so sorry that I bothered you

Now I know why you have to hide

I didn’t know what you were going through

All I could see was my own side.

I will stay away

I will let you be

I won’t say a word

Until you come to me…

…Sweet youth will all to quickly end

We will never be this free

So all I ask is that we look again

Before we grow to old to see

I won’t call out

I’ll whisper tenderly

Still, I will be crying

Until you come to me…

Since childhood, Billy Joel has reminded me of my Dad. Now, I assumed Billy was Italian. Haha. Not sure why - I guess because I aligned him with my Father. They are both small in stature, but with big charisma. They share a generation. They are both named Bill. Both handsomely bald and rocking a goatee. From what I have seen of Billy Joel, he also shares my dad’s busy hands, always needing to be fussing, tapping, folding, holding something. (And, for 53 years, until watching the documentary, they were both Italian.)

My Dad played Billy’s music in his studio as we painted side by side. I grew up listening to Billy. He was ever present in my life, his music rolling in the background from the year I as born until present, most often when I am in my own flow of painting or creativity.

The song Billy The Kid is one of my childhood favorites. I imagined this young kid against the world. He was just doing his thing until he was put into his grave. I felt as if his hanging was peaceful; like he must have welcomed it calmly. It was a beautiful tragedy that did not upset me because Billy the Kid knew no other way and rode until the end. They did not cover this song in the documentary but I feel like Billy was speaking of himself. Putting it all out there, at all costs, from a young age. I would paint along with the music, the farthest thing from a renegade myself, but still, somehow, relating.

I have too many favorites to discuss. His music takes me to different parts of my life. Since I am 54 and his career spans over 50 years, it makes sense that his contributions are so intensely laced with my experiences. His song “And so it Goes” hits me square in my heart. As does “Turn the Lights Back On”

I am sorry for the love lost in Billy’s life. I love love and for someone who has put so much of himself into the world, to struggle with giving and receiving love intimately made me sad. The love the women in his life felt for him came through the TV palpable and true. It seems the absence of his father undermined a lot of his innate desire for connection. But without that void, he would not have been the Billy that needed to fight to over come and fill it, sharing with us all along the way.

Our souls choose our life. Billy’s soul went to work in this life to make music that lasts with us all. And he does it with all his heart. My Dad was made to positively affect a lot of people with his art and his medical practice. He also always taught me to lead a heart based life. I can not see or hear Billy without feeling my love for my Dad. The two are intertwined. My Billy will get his very own Ode : )

I recently heard that Billy has cancelled shows due to health issues. Although thin, his health, wellness, and life has a thread to mine. I feel sort of silly writing this. Like who am I to honor him? But just as Billy needed to write River of Dreams, this essay is insisting I give it attention.

To Billy Joel, to my Dad, Billy, and to all men who have given such gifts from their very souls, I thank you. I love you. In part, I am me because I got to benefit from the goodness of your efforts.

P.S. As I was just telling my Dad about watching the show and writing this essay, he shared that he and my Stepmom, Patience, ran into Billy and Christie on Long Island. Dad and Patience were there to meet a relative and Pastor who would conduct their wedding. It would have been about 1983. Super cool.

Ode to Billy

It Will Be Ok: Creatively and in Life